Good evening all!
I'm sorry about the short absence but university has been absolutely crazy, there were a few hiccups with trying to get all the modules sorted for people and so far we have 4 assignments and presentations and things to do so it has been mad here. In my last post I mentioned that my mental health had not been the best it could be, I think I made that apparent in the way I was writing which shocked me when I re-read it once I began to feel stronger mentally, that's the first time I've ever looked at my feelings on paper and even in the tone of the writing it scared me, I've therefore made the decision to seek help from an organisation referred to me by the doctor, hopefully it won't take too long and I will keep you updated on that as well.
Today's post to get back to it is all about dating an relationships when you are a plus size person, be it male or female, LGBTQIA+, heterosexual, black, white, tall, short and everybody inbetween. I've chosen this topic because it's been 2 and a half years of being with Simon and almost a year of being engaged and thinking back to how I was feeling before I met him I was miserable and would've loved someone to tell me that everything would work out and to chill out. Anywho, on to the bones of the matter.
Before meeting Simon I was extremely bitter, I'd had a number of awful experiences with men and some very heartbreaking scenarios with other people. I hated couples, anything to do with sex, imtimacy and desire, I was jealous of friends and caused arguments because of it, a lot of that I regret now but the issue ran deeply for me because I craved it. All of it. As a teenager I was painfully aware that society did not promote my body type, never mind as ideas beauty, but as beautiful at all, in fact a lot of media, social media and average Joe's on the street made it clear that my body type was to be avoided, nobody would want a fat lass. That's what the kids at school told me and after hearing something so many times you begin to believe it. This kind of attitude leads to low self-esteem, body image issues, a lack of confidence and internalised ideas about beauty, this ideology of of the perfect body is extremely harmful yet permeates almost every aspect of our lives. If you're a bigger person you're automatically not good enough or so society tells you, ever heard someone say "you're pretty/handsome for a big girl\boy" yeah that phrase right there, although it may be meant in the best of intentions it still implies that you're being compared to the ideal standard of beauty. The first thing I've learned is that you absolutely need to get that concept out of your head, there will always be people telling you that you're not good enough for whatever reason, but honestly, why take something as menial into account as looks? Beauty didn't help you get to where you are now, having lots of compliments and men/women falling at your feet didn't help you become the person you are. Your experiences and thoughts, your family and friends, opinions and beliefs are the things that shape you, to some your looks will be but a bonus. The human body is a miracle and quite frankly to base an opinion on something purely on aesthetics alone is shallow, you wouldn't base your opinion of someone else purely on how they look so why do it to yourself?
With over 8 billion people on the planet is it not irrational to believe that nobody would find you attractive, nor would they find anything at all about you attractive or want to be with you? You might be funny, academic, athletic, artistic, bubbly, quirky, introvert or outgoing and there will be somebody in this world, in your country, possibly even in your home town who will like at lest one of those traits, someone will love your messy hair, your chubby cheeks, your belly rolls. Someone will crave to have your bingo wings wrapped around them at night keeping them extra warm or big thighs resting on them. Somebody desperately wants a girl who isn't "media beautiful" a woman who carries a few extra or a whole load of extra pounds. Those people out there will be feeling the same as you, that because what they like and find attractive isn't usually what is expected that something about them is wrong or faulty and it's not. The phrase "whatever floats your boat" is never more appropriate.
However, before you can start getting yourself out on the dating scene or even just out on the scene you need to remember that the image of beauty is given to us by other people, not us. Overweight and obese people are just that, they are people who deserve and crave love and affection, there are obese people out there who unbelievably satisfying love lives, obese people who have lonely love lives, people who are in extremely happy and very unhappy relationships, just like there are people of average and petite sizes who have amazing sex lives and relationships and others who want to improve theirs. Sometimes you just have to deal with the wait and hang in there until somebody comes along, it may not be the love of your life, or it could be, but hell! You'll have fun along the way as long as you keep reminding yourself that you're a beautiful, miraculous human being who deserves love just as much as any other beautiful, miraculous human being.
If you are a person who suffers from a genetic obesity disorder there is something else I feel I need to tell you before I continue, never EVER feel like you have to justify yourself!! Do you ever hear a slimmer individual saying "oh I'm sorry I'm so small it's genetic"? No. Unless you feel like you need to let a potential partner know the ins and outs of your condition or unless you're talking to your doctor/someone you're comfortable around you do not have to discuss it or give reasons for your size. This is very important, I remember sending Simon a text when we first started talking, a missive text outlining the fact that I have some kind of condition that makes me fat and if he wants to leave me he is welcome to, he didn't obviously and he found it astounding that I would feel the need to disclose that and his reply was "I don't care that you're a big bodied woman, I like you and I don't want to ever lose your friendship".
Another point I have to make is that once you do find someone, a relationship, friend which benefits or even if you find that you've started to love yourself then you need to just enjoy that time. Just enjoy being happy and loved, desired and appreciated (hopefully appreciated, if not kick that lady/dude to the kerb because you deserve better). Don't waste time looking at other women or men and comparing yourself to them, I've cried so many tears thinking that Simon was only with me because he felt he was in too deep, that he grew to love my body and didn't actually want me. Things like that can ruin your relationship and send you back down into a spiral or self loathing and degradation, which is not what you need. Learn to accept the fact that your partner is with you because they love you, because they desire you and because you are the one that they want (oh oh oh honey!), sorry little Grease humour for you there. Even if you don't believe it keep telling yourself that and over time, if you stay in a long term relationship then you'll begin to believe it, just like you believed the negative comments you can believe the positive.
I would also say that you should be aware that obesity and "fatness" is viewed as a fetish for some. The fact that you are a 'fat person' may add to the attraction for them or some other people may be attracted to you purely because of your weight. If you are okay with that then great! Please remember you aren't just an object to be used or drooled over, you still have feelings and don't want to be used (unless that's your thing than you go!). Some people are feeders who get erotic pleasure from feeding their partners so they gain more weight, people who are pushy and insist that you must eat or you would "do this is you really love me" are not good for you, particularly those who have a genetic obesity disorder and you might feel these people are worth avoiding, however an extremely important note is that not all people interested in feeding take it far, the majority of feeders and fat fetishists will take into consideration their partners feelings and thoughts on the matter just as any loving partner would so please don't tar everybody with the same brush as all people are individual.
So, for tonight I think that is it and I really appreciate it if you've managed to make it to them end because it's been really long winded and I really hope nothing in here has offended anybody, the aim was to help you start thinking differently about your body and yourself as a loveable being.
See you next time!