Love & Our Bodies - For Plus Size Peeps!

Good evening all!

Image found on google, taken from general
pinterest thread

I'm sorry about the short absence but university has been absolutely crazy, there were a few hiccups with trying to get all the modules sorted for people and so far we have 4 assignments and presentations and things to do so it has been mad here. In my last post I mentioned that my mental health had not been the best it could be, I think I made that apparent in the way I was writing which shocked me when I re-read it once I began to feel stronger mentally, that's the first time I've ever looked at my feelings on paper and even in the tone of the writing it scared me, I've therefore made the decision to seek help from an organisation referred to me by the doctor, hopefully it won't take too long and I will keep you updated on that as well.

Today's post to get back to it is all about dating an relationships when you are a plus size person, be it male or female, LGBTQIA+, heterosexual, black, white, tall, short and everybody inbetween. I've chosen this topic because it's been 2 and a half years of being with Simon and almost a year of being engaged and thinking back to how I was feeling before I met him I was miserable and would've loved someone to tell me that everything would work out and to chill out. Anywho, on to the bones of the matter.

Before meeting Simon I was extremely bitter, I'd had a number of awful experiences with men and some very heartbreaking scenarios with other people. I hated couples, anything to do with sex, imtimacy and desire, I was jealous of friends and caused arguments because of it, a lot of that I regret now but the issue ran deeply for me because I craved it. All of it. As a teenager I was painfully aware that society did not promote my body type, never mind as ideas beauty, but as beautiful at all, in fact a lot of media, social media and average Joe's on the street made it clear that my body type was to be avoided, nobody would want a fat lass. That's what the kids at school told me and after hearing something so many times you begin to believe it. This kind of attitude leads to low self-esteem, body image issues, a lack of confidence and internalised ideas about beauty, this ideology of of the perfect body is extremely harmful yet permeates almost every aspect of our lives. If you're a bigger person you're automatically not good enough or so society tells you, ever heard someone say "you're pretty/handsome for a big girl\boy" yeah that phrase right there, although it may be meant in the best of intentions it still implies that you're being compared to the ideal standard of beauty. The first thing I've learned is that you absolutely need to get that concept out of your head, there will always be people telling you that you're not good enough for whatever reason, but honestly, why take something as menial into account as looks? Beauty didn't help you get to where you are now, having lots of compliments and men/women falling at your feet didn't help you become the person you are. Your experiences and thoughts, your family and friends, opinions and beliefs are the things that shape you, to some your looks will be but a bonus. The human body is a miracle and quite frankly to base an opinion on something purely on aesthetics alone is shallow, you wouldn't base your opinion of someone else purely on how they look so why do it to yourself? 

With over 8 billion people on the planet is it not irrational to believe that nobody would find you attractive, nor would they find anything at all about you attractive or want to be with you? You might be funny, academic, athletic, artistic, bubbly, quirky, introvert or outgoing and there will be somebody in this world, in your country, possibly even in your home town who will like at lest one of those traits, someone will love your  messy hair, your chubby cheeks, your belly rolls. Someone will crave to have your bingo wings wrapped around them at night keeping them extra warm or big thighs resting on them. Somebody desperately wants a girl who isn't "media beautiful" a woman who carries a few extra or a whole load of extra pounds. Those people out there will be feeling the same as you, that because what they like and find attractive isn't usually what is expected that something about them is wrong or faulty and it's not. The phrase "whatever floats your boat" is never more appropriate. 

However, before you can start getting yourself out on the dating scene or even just out on the scene you need to remember that the image of beauty is given to us by other people, not us. Overweight and obese people are just that, they are people who deserve and crave love and affection, there are obese people out there who unbelievably satisfying love lives, obese people who have lonely love lives, people who are in extremely happy and very unhappy relationships, just like there are people of average and petite sizes who have amazing sex lives and relationships and others who want to improve theirs. Sometimes you just have to deal with the wait and hang in there until somebody comes along, it may not be the love of your life, or it could be, but hell! You'll have fun along the way as long as you keep reminding yourself that you're a beautiful, miraculous human being who deserves love just as much as any other beautiful, miraculous human being. 

If you are a person who suffers from a genetic obesity disorder there is something else I feel I need to tell you before I continue, never EVER feel like you have to justify yourself!! Do you ever hear a slimmer individual saying "oh I'm sorry I'm so small it's genetic"? No. Unless you feel like you need to let a potential partner know the ins and outs of your condition or unless you're talking to your doctor/someone you're comfortable around you do not have to discuss it or give reasons for your size. This is very important, I remember sending Simon a text when we first started talking, a missive text outlining the fact that I have some kind of condition that makes me fat and if he wants to leave me he is welcome to, he didn't obviously and he found it astounding that I would feel the need to disclose that and his reply was "I don't care that you're a big bodied woman, I like you and I don't want to ever lose your friendship". 

Another point I have to make is that once you do find someone, a relationship, friend which benefits or even if you find that you've started to love yourself then you need to just enjoy that time. Just enjoy being happy and loved, desired and appreciated (hopefully appreciated, if not kick that lady/dude to the kerb because you deserve better). Don't waste time looking at other women or men and comparing yourself to them, I've cried so many tears thinking that Simon was only with me because he felt he was in too deep, that he grew to love my body and didn't actually want me. Things like that can ruin your relationship and send you back down into a spiral or self loathing and degradation, which is not what you need. Learn to accept the fact that your partner is with you because they love you, because they desire you and because you are the one that they want (oh oh oh honey!), sorry little Grease humour for you there. Even if you don't believe it keep telling yourself that and over time, if you stay in a long term relationship then you'll begin to believe it, just like you believed the negative comments you can believe the positive. 

I would also say that you should be aware that obesity and "fatness" is viewed as a fetish for some. The fact that you are a 'fat person' may add to the attraction for them or some other people may be attracted to you purely because of your weight. If you are okay with that then great! Please remember you aren't just an object to be used or drooled over, you still have feelings and don't want to be used (unless that's your thing than you go!). Some people are feeders who get erotic pleasure from feeding their partners so they gain more weight, people who are pushy and insist that you must eat or you would "do this is you really love me" are not good for you, particularly those who have a genetic obesity disorder and you might feel these people are worth avoiding, however an extremely important note is that not all people interested in feeding take it far, the majority of feeders and fat fetishists will take into consideration their partners feelings and thoughts on the matter just as any loving partner would so please don't tar everybody with the same brush as all people are individual. 

So, for tonight I think that is it and I really appreciate it if you've managed to make it to them end because it's been really long winded and I really hope nothing in here has offended anybody, the aim was to help you start thinking differently about your body and yourself as a loveable being. 

See you next time! 

Xo.

My Journey to Self-Love and Body Positivity

SASSY PUG!

Hey all, this post has been coming for a while because it's something that's very close to my heart and a topic I've struggled with for years on end. Body positivity. 

Every singe day in college I'll hear a girl I walk past say "oh I'm so fat, I've got to lose weight!" or a guy say "I really need to get myself to the gym, I'm not strong enough yet", both of those things I actually heard within the same two hour period at my college from students. Things like this break my heart because I have had difficulty with body positivity for almost all of my life and knowing that others are feeling the same way I did as a child doesn't bear thinking about. 

As a child I was bullied from Nursery (age 3 or 4) right up to last December age 18, I personally used to think I deserved every bit of bullying I got, I was ugly, fat, disgusting, all of these things I would remind myself of on a daily basis to make the bullying more understandable. At least that way I knew why I was being bullied, I thought that bullying was a punishment because other people had to look at my horrid face, my fat stomach and my huge thighs. I pushed friends away, withdrew from my family and let my school work slide round about the age of 13/14 when I started self-harming and became suicidal because the bullying was getting worse but because I was maturing I was starting to understand that the bullies were nothing but children who targeted my weak spots... it worked but still, at least I was maturing enough to know it. 

In school I had very few friends, only two I can think of that I would consider true friends, these friends weren't always nice to me but I passed the majority of the things off as friends taking the piss. After several suicide attempts, more self-harm, and God knows how many nights I'd cried myself to sleep or whatever, at 16 things started to change and this is how. 

I walked into a shop and went straight to the magazine isle, I LOVED women's magazines but this day I had seen so much on the TV about how large the average woman was getting, how they used to look, accounts on Twitter making highly offensive fat jokes, insensitive parents using "tough love" to make children lose weight and I had had enough. So, when I saw the typical magazine article where a clinically underweight celeb put on enough wight to be considered healthy, the magazine branded them the worst word possible... FAT *DUN DUN DUUUUUNN*

I laughed to myself, I'd taken these articles as gospel as a child, but how can anybody take something seriously where medical advice and medical opinions are given by journalists? Girls are made to feel bad by inaccurate medical and health opinions given by someone who works in a completely different field! It sounds daft but that was my turning point. From that day I stopped picking up those magazines that made me feel awful about myself. 

I still had issues with how I looked obviously so I thought it was time to address them and I did it my getting dressed every morning and saying one nice thing about myself, even if I didn't mean it, it did feel great to have said something nice. I remember one day I got to the bathroom mirror and without thinking, without having to remind myself to do it I said "Wow, I look so cute today!" and I meant it, that was the best feeling I've ever experienced. Obviously that wasn't the only thing that I used to boost my body confidence, I'm on instagram and I follow accounts such as Tess Munster (Holliday now I believe), Body Positivity, I look at and absolutely love the Carol Rosetti drawings. When you're trying to build up your body confidence and trying to love yourself for who you are I can't lie to you, it's a difficult and long road, picture a turtle trying to walk up a steep hill that's covered in peanut butter on a hot summer day. That's how difficult it is, however in this day and age the media including social media also push it down our throats not to fat shame or skinny shame but each day girls and boys are told they need to be skinny, they need to be strong, muscular, curvy is bad, a bit of a belly is a sin and god forbid you get labeled as fat because they make out your life is over! Well I will tell you something for nothing, your life in never over unless you allow it to be! Whether you're fat, skinny, middle, wobbly or green you have a life, you are valued and you are BEAUTIFUL. I'm a plus size blogger, I'm fat, my clothes go above a size 18 and I am actually healthy. I have the best friends a girl could wish for, I'm enjoying college and I'm on my way to getting my ideal career, I have the most wonderful family anybody could ever dream of and most importantly I truly do love the person I am. 

For all of you girls and boys struggling with anything body related make a list of things you're good at, things you know, things you like, what you want to do and who you want to be. After all, if a person has good thoughts they are beautiful. 

I wish all of you the best of luck of any of you are wanting to start your journey to self-love and body positivity.

Love Katherine.